I find myself struggling. I let many things affect my thinking and especially my emotions. I always fancied myself a logical, rational being, but when it comes down to it, I am not that person. I have always been emotional. I have always made decisions by how I feel and by how my gut reacts. And this is where I find myself now, back at a crossroads with my life.
I decided to start 2014 absolutely new. I started the new year without a job and had a small family vacation with my immediate family, which we hadn't had for quite some time. It was nice and relaxing. It was new and different, but it didn't mask things. Though while I decided it was time for me to move and find a new job, mostly in the hopes of growing and learning, I didn't fully realize how hard it would be. I didn't have any jobs or interviews lined up. A logical person would have made steps safeguarding this but me, it felt like the exact right time to leave.
And here I am, at a coffee shop pondering questions that were thrown at me back in high school. Questions like "would you rather do a job that you enjoyed or a job that paid well". Of course at the time I choose the job that I enjoyed than the rather practical one. That's one thing I never understood about adulthood and how it was a marked change for any other phase growing up. It seems to me that being grown-up comes hand-in-hand with compromise. But I don't want to compromise. Maybe that's childish. Maybe I am. But that's all I see around me. Maybe it's sacrifice. Maybe it's the reality of choices that they've made and stuck with. I just know I'm not there yet.
I don't want to compromise just yet.
When I was younger, I often dreamed of being older. And now that I am, all I do now is wishing that I was younger. It's such a contrarian way of thinking but also a rather safe way of thinking. Often I wish to relive past moments or have the luxury of re-doing them but with the foreknowledge of what already happened or the possible outcomes. But all that thinking remains in the Past. What matters is the Future and the Present: why I do from this moment on.
I'm afraid. I'm afraid of so many things. When I was younger I read countless comic books featuring super-heroes heading straight into danger conquering their fears but as I got older, those villains with bright colors and devious schemes were no where to be found. Instead my battles were with myself, in my mind. Battling self-doubt and failure. Formless villains but just as deadly if not more. I imagine so many possibilities, mostly those where my plans and efforts come fruitless. I imagine it so strongly that I convince myself often not to try and waste my time. But that's the problem. It's only a possibility. Often I shut out the possibility of things going my way for fear of the unknown or the untried. This is something I need terribly to control and understand.
It's this combination - of doubt and fear - that leaves me in a state of paralysis so often, but I'm not going to let that stop me from my goals. I'm older now. I'm a little bit wiser. I've been around the block a bit, I know things. I'm no longer totally alone. I have friends. I have connections. I have a drive, a desire. I want things. I want to explore the World. I want to meet people of the World. I want to leave my mark on the World. I want all of this and more.
It's around twenty some odd days into the New Year and I've already accomplished so much. There's still much work to be done in the days and weeks ahead. And I still need to make due with the promises of year's end. This is the year that everything changes. I need to grow and change. I need to be bold and brave. I mustn't let things deter me. The year is still young. The days are still fresh. There's many tomorrows for a dreamer to still dream. The possibilities are still out there.
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