Another Start

It occurs to me that I have neglected the one thing that I found most comforting:  writing.  Beyond making videos or taking pictures or even being most sociable online, I defined myself foremost as a writer.  True I have yet to be published or had anything created that I wrote, but I believe in being that which you aim to be, and that for me has always been a writer.  Before I die I want to write a book and have it be published, same with a comic book.  Sure I have loads of notebooks filled with ideas, story beats, and heavily sketched out characters but almost always life gets in the way and I lose interest.  The only consistent thing being my journal entries.  For a long time - years even - I was consistent with near daily entries.  I contribute that to two factors:  one, I was out of work and really had the time, and two, I didn't have much friends to converse with both online and in the real world.  Now that those things have changed and with the Internet, cell phones, and social media, all of my once concentrated ideas and thought are dispersed among the digital masses.  I'm going to change that.  I'm going to start documenting my life again, hopefully in a daily or near daily basis.  I aim to write about whatever's on my mind, if not a gentle recap of the days events, perhaps some ideas on a single subject like regret.  It's been a while since I flexed my writing muscles and I know it's going to be ugly at first but I hope to get back into shape soon.

Taking Stock

Where do you begin, when you've been so lost and confused?  I guess, I can begin where I am right this moment and move backwards, with some hope that it'll help me move forward.  I'm 31, I live with my parents, live in the great city of irony that is Los Angeles, and I work at a part time job that doesn't fulfill my creative desires.  But I have friends.  Friends close by and across the globe with whom I stay hyper-connected to by the Internet.  

Oh the Internet!  How I love you!

Five years ago, I was in a similar state.  I had moved back home after finishing college with a degree that didn't offer any jobs and most of my friends had begun drifting away as they began new jobs, new loves, and new lives.  My brother was off at college and both of my parents worked.  I had been desperately looking for jobs with no luck, and I was terribly lonely.  Even being so close to a bustling city, I didn't want to have anything to do with it.  So I was left utterly alone for a very, very long time, so much so, that I ventured to Target to some days feel some sort of social interaction by pretending that I was in the store getting some things before going off to continue with real life.

And real life happened.

Soon after this sad story in my life, I found work at a local library that was filled with all sorts of ups and downs, and filled with a cast of characters that I wouldn't forget.  And while this was happening, I was also making friends over the Internet.  From YouTube, Twitter, Dailybooth, and BlogTV, I had begun making friends and acquaintances all over the World and also some closer by in Los Angeles and Hollywood.  Soon these friends-on-the-screen became people that I met and cared about.  YouTube Live in San Francisco, the NorthWest YouTube Gathering in Portland, and the first VidCon in Century City: each of these big events cemented my friendships and solidified my ties to the Online World.

And real life continued on.

Social sites have come and gone, and like the Norse cycle of life, people, groups, and fads have risen and fallen countless times.  But like so often, I feel as if I'm standing still while my friends and most everyone else moves on.  I've seen people move from their homelands to new places like LA, San Francisco, Portland, and Seattle.  I've seen people travel, join bands, find jobs that they love or careers that they thrive in.  But I haven't really changed.  I'm still in LA and at a job that's not at all fulfilling.  At least I'm not alone now.  I have friends home and abroad, but I want more!  I want my own place, I want my own life.  I still seem to be connected to my old life or rather a second (or third) high school live, and I want more than what I have now.  But I'm afraid.  There's so much about the future and my bid to change things that I get paralyzed too quickly.  I have so much debt, to credit cards and towards my student loans, and I also am, unfortunately, saddled with having diabetes which makes medications and medical insurance cost a pretty penny.  

I want to reclaim what was lost.

I use to read so many books and write so many things, from little blurbs on scratches of paper to long-form journal entries, but right now, not so much.  Much can be said and argued with how the evolving Internet and social scene changed things.  Instead of writing elaborate AIM away messages, there's tweets, status updates, and tumbr posts.  Not to mention Instagram and SnapChat.  People still read but where the reading happens is now so fractured and plentiful.  Where once I would write things in my journal or online journal, it's been spread across pictures, videos, and what nots.  Perhaps the correlations between my reading and writing output is related to my level of friendships/being alone.  No longer do I have a vacant space of air to call friend, when I have friends so readily available.  Maybe there is a connection, maybe there isn't but there is one thing I want to change.  I want to write more.  I want to be more creative.  I need to find that spark that lit off so many ideas in my head.  I want to read more.  I want to write more.  I want to create MORE!

Promise.

I promise that I will do my best.  I promise that I won't let the shackles of fear hold me still.  I promise that I will be the best that I can.  Though I have been lost and confused, the promise I hold to most of all is that I promise I won't be lost for long!